Broken Promises

Death swept him up quick somewhat like a thief in the night

You shed a dam of tears

You passed out hugs and kisses

You offered personal service, “call me if you need me”

You were stricken with overwhelming grief

You made promises to continue to play a part in life of the kids he left here on earth

You made promises to continue to be your brother’s keeper

You LIED!

Where were you? What happened?

Did the tears dry up? Did you forget what you told me? Did you?

You LIED!

The initial grief filled your heart with so much compassion, so much empathy didn’t it? Yet, with time you healed, you moved on, you no longer cared.

Here I stood, alone and oblivious to which direction or road to travel left here with kids to raise and no support

Kids damn near grown now and I somehow figured it  out with GOD as the lead

You were nowhere to be found

You LIED!

Dont have an attitude or twist your lips when you see his kids in the street and each pays you no mind. Don’t you even stretch your arms out for a hugs or purse your lips for a kiss. My kids don’t know you, don’t care to know you and are doing just fine.

You LIED! So carrying on with your life as you have been doing over the years. When you see me don’t throw up your hand to wave, don’t request me on Facebook; just keep it moving as you have been with no reflection of the promises you broke.

You LIED! I forgive U! I don’t trust you and desire no further dealings with you.

 

 

 

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Long For Darker Skin

As a child I prayed for darker skin. To me, the darker a person’s skin the more beautiful she was. The darker the skin, the more soft and supple the touch, the lesser the blemishes or acne, the more prominent white the teeth, and the epitome of a brick house body.

I was sickened with my own skin. My own skin not white and not dark, somewhat in between. I absolutely hated looking in the mirror at this lighter skin in which at that time away not acceptable to any one ethnicity or race.

How I often thought how insane other girls must be to want to look like me, as many females demonstrated a bit of envy here and there. I could not understand why on earth a female would desire to be a light-skinned, black girl.

Luckily, I did not have many incidents of being treated mean based on my skin color (at least I wasn’t aware of it). I had both white and black friends throughout my childhood. I do recall never staying the night with a white friend, now that I look back, however.

All the dark skinned girls I grew up with, had it All. I mean they had mom and dad in household, each appearing to have significant income as the dark skinned girl had her own phone line, could drive the family car in the neighborhood, refrigerator full, awesome home with mind-blowing furniture and decorations.

I didn’t have any of that! I had several “dads”, in-house and otherwise. Yes! I had to call each one of these men “dad”, UGH! Reflecting back on it is rather annoying. We never had any money for life in a nice house with abundance of food and elegant items within it. I often wondered, if I had darker black skin, could I enjoy those things?

The darker skinned black girls had their own dad, their biological damn dad. The darker skinned black girls had a family that obviously planned for the future and played their cards right in this life. Oh not my life!

Did all light skin black girls go through this I often wondered. All my light skinned friends were in the same boat as me, it seemed. Man, I longed to be dark skinned. Dark skin is beauty!

It wasn’t until my older years that I began to know that my skin was also beauty. All skin is beauty for that matter. I’m not sure why I even focused on color of skin instead of developing my mindset and setting my own goals toward life accomplishments.

Paying attention to skin is embedded in me and most people I know. However, now my focus has changed more toward appreciation of my appearance on the surface. I sometimes see a dark dark skinned black woman and think, “Wow, she is dazzling to the eyes!” I no longer pray for for darker skin. I now compliment that darker skinned black woman. No need to envy a individual or hate a person based on skin for just as myself, she had no options offered relative to what her skin color is.

Im am a work in progress that is certain. BUT! Focusing on the modification of my own skin is not priority any longer. My objective has changed in the direction of improving via personal development with seeking information and educating myself to upgrade my character and inner being; in a fashion to reflect “beauty” in more than just my skin.

I am happy to discover that skin has nothing to do with level of success or components of what one may define as a family with it “ALL”. Skin has nothing to do with genuine beauty, which is primarily grounded on the inside of an individual not the outer surface. I have noticed, however, a beautiful person on the inside automatically reflects beauty on the outside.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Never Ending Party

There’s a party going on, ya’ll! Hey! Yay! Fun! Exciting! Joyful! I mean, this party is Mind Boggling! Heart Wrenching! Soul Stirring! To the point where I foresee total collapse with no resuscitation in sight. Anxiety is the DEVIL!

My anxiety is an ongoing, everlasting horror party inside the depths of my heart, mind, and soul. When most contemplate a party he/she becomes happy and eagerly prepares for good times. Oh an anxiety party is not fun and games. An anxiety party is not welcomed. An anxiety party is never planned or anticipated. An anxiety party is thrown without consent of the host. An anxiety party is thrown by a dictator. You know, with anxiety the host has no say so and/or input. Therefore, don’t even go there! Just sit back and take it!

Inside, deep within there is a never-ending party going on that has no start or end time. Anxiety throws parties everyday and at any hour, without concern for anyone or anything. Anxiety keeps me wound up constantly, just jittery and on the look out, even when there is no cause or reason. Anxiety invites all the stressors in life to the party, even the stressors of others and stressors that don’t even directly affect me. Anxiety loves to use me as the host of its parties, and I am tired of it. However, there is no remedy and no one genuinely understands (unless, of course, you too experience anxiety parties).

I often try to explain to others about my anxiety and I receive smirks or comments like, “Snap out of it!”. I want to back slap those that don’t understand or at minimum attempt to abide by wishes, such as: Do not startle me, Do not yell/scream, Do not jump off furniture (kids), Do not overstimulate my brain with nonsense after nonsense (such as endless complaints about your life circumstances in which you yourself opted in to), Leave me alone when asked, Give me just a few minutes (perhaps a couple of days to adjust to this inner, un-welcomed party), just exit from my life all together if you can’t present as a compassionate person with an open mind relative to what I have explained to you as disruption in my life.

On the outside, it appears I may be at rest. NOPE! There party is still going on in my body, with a focus on my heart or brain. Anxiety loves to pinch and squeeze my heart and punch my temples or twist my optic nerves as part of its party fun. Anxiety allows all the stressors in life to run relay races up and down my vertebrae, through my stomach, pancreas, liver, gall bladder, nerves, spleen…you name it! You don’t want to appear at an Anxiety party,  I pray you never are chosen as a host.  Remember, you have no option in whether or not you will be chosen so tread lightly as I am certain Anxiety is constantly searching for more hosts. Anxiety loves to party, party all the time, all day and all night with no rest periods. That’s right, all Anxiety invitees NEVER pass out, never go home, NEVER! (unless you opt to add medication to your party plans, that is-I chose not to). I have found a new coping mechanism, writing. It somewhat helps:)

 

 

 

Dodged A Bullet

Thinking about online dating? Be cautious! True story…

Started out toying around on various dating sites, mainly for laughs as surely these people posting on these sites are not serious. But, clearly, they are so so serious and will get an instant attitude if one has the audacity to question the validity of their post/profile or intentions. Now, please don’t get me wrong and decide to just state, “to hell with online dating”, it works for some (eye roll). I have been on a date with an online suitor, whom happened to be extremely nice and attentive. It was all the other mess that came along with his life that was a complete turn off. You know, the ex-wife (who he hates because he was just prince and never wronged her), the kids (grown and nearly newborn), the logically and analytically challenged family members and so on…

Well, not to get of topic, I was in a comical mood and felt like reading some dating profiles and having a gut wrenching laugh, fall on the floor, pee my pants type laughter (I assure you will occur if you participate in online dating profile reading just for comedy relief). Anyway, I posted a few profiles to see what type of men would reply and what exactly each was coming to the table with or just because I get bored a lot and sometimes lonely and want to talk or laugh, whatever. So, I came across a guy by chance and was taken back because this guy was off the spectrum relative to intellect, right? This man could cook (at least from what he showed me in the pics), he was funny, he was nice, he complimented me, he longed for me (EVEN though, DESPITE us) NEVER EVER meeting in person, right? RED FLAG #1

Time goes on with the back and forth texts and voice messages and pics and all that great, wonderful mess. I began to notice that this guy was getting just a bit obsessive as if I did not text back or immediately reply, there was an issue. UH? EVER heard of work, I have a job or HELLO? I have kids or I just have other shit to do! WHEW! I mean, this guy would type out 3 page texts about, “Oh, I think we should go our separate ways” or “Oh, I see you are too busy for me”…

A bunch of bull to say the least, RED FLAG#2, right? Oh but NO! Stupid me, in a trance, continued to talk and text with this guy as he in reality put a smile on my face when we did communicate virtually (as recall, I had still not met this guy face to face). You know, the guy shared many stories with me, as I did with him as well. In reflection, he spoke of experiences with abuse (physical & mental) and how he is a loner. I know better, I know the signs, right? I know to be on alert with individuals with past history of physical and mental abuse experiences, right? YES, but…

But! But, given my admiration for the guy, I guess I overlooked RED FLAG#3, that if taken any further with this dude, certainly a disaster would result. All a long, my brain was re-directing me and reminding me of each RED FLAG that was really obvious to anyone on the outside looking in. However, I was simply blinded and voluntarily so, I must admit. Nevertheless, the was one last straw that occurred and I said, “Hey, this is it, how many damn warnings to I need that this guy will likely hurt me in only GOD knows what manner.”

Stay tuned….if you would like to know the final straw, please comment. Also, note, each and every blog I have written and intend to write in the future are sincere and absolutely true. I hope to gain feedback and also offer some type of insight into the lives of anyone that may have had or presently experiencing similar circumstance. Have a good evening!

 

 

 

He’s Dead! He’s Gone! Now What?

My love no longer exists. My love snuffed out like a quick snap of one’s fingers. He is dead! He is Gone! Unbelievable! Im still pissed! Strange how it has been over 16 years now. Strange how life has changed so. Strange how despite years passed; the pain associated with his death remains constant. NO! The pain has not gotten better. NO! The pain has no subsided. NO! The pain has not loosened its grip on my heart, soul, mind, and overall being. NO! Not in the least…

What an incredible evening it was sixteen years ago, with the working day coming to a close, meal cooked, house tidy, and children bathed and in bed. I recall sitting at home and receiving a phone call from a close friend of my love, asking was he home as a birthday party had been planned that evening for a mutual friend and my love’s presence was necessary. Well, his presence was not necessary of course, but given his energy and charisma, all that knew him, loved him dearly.

At the time of the call, my love had not arrived home. Yet, once he did, I relayed the message and he at first was not excited given he was so physically and mentally tired. We were in the process of buying a home, a remarkable home by the way; a home in which by the grace of GOD we had received a substantial discount on as it was the “model” home. Talk about stress during this time, and the close would be the following morning. My love notes, “Oh, I am so tired but I have to go!” I asked him to quickly run to the corner store and grab me a six pack of beer and a candy bar since he was going out and I was in for the evening to simply relax and prepare for the following day. Upon his return from the store, he prepared to leave for a quick moment with friends and stated, “Damn! I don’t feel I should be getting on this bike!” Puzzled at his remarks, I simply outlined to him the alternate options (other vehicles), that he could have taken opposed to riding his motorcycle.

He took is motorcycle. He rode his motorcycle for the last time that night.

Stay tuned…if interested in the remainder of this real life story; please comment.

 

 

My Brain Never Shuts Down

Greetings:

I am eager to utilize this as a platform to express my thoughts and at the same time receive as much feedback from whomever may be interested, as possible. I am new to the Blog world, therefore, this initial submission will be a simple, short introduction. I am a nurse, however, have many roles and irons in the fire as most of us do. As of late, I have had so much on my mind and many questions and/or ideas in which much appreciation for alternate perspective was desired. So, I thought let me give this blogging deal a shot as a venting mechanism first, and then, see what occurs.

I have had a terrible headache for the past few days and have sat long hours attempting to evaluate what in the world is going on. My initial thought was am I having a stroke! I know better than that, as the overwhelming amount of stress in which I have dealt with and continue to endure must be the culprit. No matter how hard I have tried, no matter how often I smile and give unto others, and put my wants/needs on the back burner to please the next individual; there is an underlying reminder that I must find a more appropriate method of coping with being the “strong one”.

For example, today I have taken Advil and whipped up a home remedy tea. I even tried to lay down and take a nap (but I can’t stay off my phone being nosey, when there is actually nothing AT ALL going on, that can’t wait). I turned on the television as a distraction to this horrible headache. I researched information on etiology of headaches  and even googled any information on headaches related to digestive issues, as my digestive system is the pits. You know, I think, I only contributed to my pain as the constant brain stimulation just made it worse. So, I figured I would set up a blog and type out a bunch of my thoughts relative to the matter and worsen my headache even more.

I think I need some tips on how to calm a brain that remains in “GO” mode. My brain is turned “ON” at all times and I honestly don’t want to turn it to “OFF”. I know this approach to life is dangerous but I can’t help it. At this point, I am noticing that I may not have a choice, given this unusual headache. I love, love, love, information, data, research, news, current events, media, social media, education: law, nursing, medicine, therapy, robotics, animals, ecological/environmental issues, humanity, food, cooking, self-help, how to, crafts, writing, etc… Hell, I like everything! I want to learn about any and all things  non-STOP!

My brain will not turn off! I get overly excited and anxious with near panic attack mode if there has been NO opportunity for me to learn something new in any given day and/or improve in some manner within my self, for myself; or for someone else. Yet, I think my mind is getting overheated and starting to power down. I think the headache is a warning and opportunity for me to take notice and be proactive in tuning my brain down voluntarily; but HOW? I can’t! I have insomnia because of it. When I do awake from a nap or few hours of sleep; I go right back to searching, researching, analyzing, strategizing, planning something. Many times I don’t even know what that something is initially but i find something no matter what. My family often says, “Oh you couldn’t find anything to do or are you bored, now that you’re in the kitchen rearranging the cleaners and dog treats under the sink!”

See, I said I would make this initial blog short and sweet, RIGHT? Well, what the HELL happened? My brain won’t stop! HELP! 🙂 No, honestly, I am not in dire need of rescue but I would like to know if anyone else is out there that struggles with have a brain that has its green light on at ALL times? If so, how do you handle it? Share a few coping mechanisms if you don’t mind. I figure I better get off here now for a spill my eyes are getting heavy, so I won’t push it, time for a break. Thank you so much for reading my first rant!